The Beginning……
A note to you, dear one: When working on the website itself, I found a section of hidden posts. I questioned the release, thinking Shanon had a reason for not sharing, but in sitting with this entry, it helps to understand the “moments of the beginning”. From my perspective, I think it will set a narrative I haven’t been able to fully articulate. Shanon was in transition, and it helps to know her mind at the beginning of her cancer journey and how much she transformed and grew. She was shedding her old thought patterns, forgiving herself, and finding love for the light and shadow sides of herself.
I left it as is, in her words. We all begin with the first steps. They are strange, clumsy, and awkward, but we can not run until we make those first steps and the journey to self.
The Moments of the Beginning……
May 6
Written By theRootedLotus.com
Previous to my cancer diagnosis, I had created a daily routine of practicing yoga, breathing exercises, meditation/prayer, journaling, and personal kindness reminders. This actually began in 2019, a few days after Thanksgiving……I have never looked back! Previous to this, I was not intentional or willing to maintain a home practice of any kind because I needed a routine outside my home….or so I convinced myself! What I actually discovered the first day was that I was unwilling to be kind, supportive, loving, or gentle with myself.
As I stood in front of my reflection in the mirror, I remember sinking deeply into my shadow as I heard - and watched, myself speak with absolute cruelty and unkindness…literally to the reflection of myself. I was shaming her, telling her she was a fucking fat ass, her arms were horrible and jiggly, her belly was a pile of rolls, her chins had shown up with friends, and she was an idiot if she thought she was ever going to keep up with this routine…..WTF SHANON!!!!!!
I just listened to myself speak the most unkind things - while I looked at her face in the mirror. When I looked myself in the eyes, I was filled with absolute sadness for her, a desperate and deep heartache I would feel if I had heard someone say this to another human! This is the reason that I would previously always quit… because I stood in my own way and never encouraged myself to speak kindly to myself. This moment changed absolutely everything for me and the way I’ve chosen to speak to myself, about myself, with myself, and the way I’ve chosen to show up for myself. I instantly realized that if I don’t see others this way, then how am I going to view myself this way or speak to myself this way?? I am the one person who knows all my stories, my ups and downs, even those tiny moments unknown and not shared with anyone else…those cannot be hidden from her. I suddenly felt gratitude for all the parts of her that I previously shamed. I couldn’t I have gotten this far without her. I am her, and she is me. I will not be unkind to her. I’m with her everywhere, all the time, until we leave this earth - body, soul, and mind!! This is what inspired me to speak to her in the ways I do now. I chose to be kind and gentle towards myself. I began being supportive and encouraging, cheering her on, speaking honestly with her, allowing for myself to be more vulnerable and open - with even myself. It’s my choice to be committed to building her up so she isn’t torn down.
As I began this practice and became very intentional with it each day, I was amazed at how connected to myself I felt. My journal became even more of a friend than I’d ever known before. In fact, previous to this I would begin writing in a journal then stop after a while until I got another journal. I now believe that I had not quit those chapters but instead I began writing new ones, headed in new directions and maybe they shouldn’t be kept together in the same book (like different volumes!). My journals are not only my friend but they are my understanding and my own guide towards myself. As I began allowing myself the space to freely write without hesitation or restriction, I began gaining a sense of my own personal knowing, my own way of listening and speaking with myself to feel more centered and balanced. I practiced this routinely, including throughout the pandemic - and I was so happy to have all these practices by that time! I imagined the pandemic was the longest-most challenging chapter in that journal, but I was wrong.
I’ve learned that when I communicate with myself I need to pay attention to what is really being said - because the knowing within me senses things that the other parts of me tend to ignore. At times, going back to my journal to see things through a different lens has been eye opening — but also writing to myself in moments of despair has been a process that I have come to find a deep connection with. Somehow, like a mother knows her child, my journal allows me the space to feel recognized and seen without any apprehensions or fears of being rejected.
- Either I’m her friend or I’m not; but either way she is always me and I am always her!!!
