Breathing Into the Dark Spaces

I breathe and wait. I connect and relax. I let go so I’m not holding. I speak so that I am not alone with these thoughts; they feel way too heavy for me to carry on my own. The heaviness of wavering back and forth, feeling like I’m being pulled through a tiny space I’m not meant to fit in. I cannot breathe. It feels like the darkest corner you can imagine with waves and flashes of bright light and loud sounds…back and forth, again and again. I’m dizzy, I’m nauseous, make it stop. I feel things so deeply, so intensely, it feels like being on a boat — with no land in sight. Just floating and bobbing up and down and back and forth. 

As I watch myself experience all of this I feel so much compassion and gratitude for the part of myself that created the spaces for me to heal in; my Buddhist practice appears to really take well to all these dark spaces and the feeling bobbing up and down - so many great lessons to learn in here. Yoga - she seems to have left the building and has only stopped in a few times to see if missed her (I do BTW), but I do hear her whispers to return to myself. Journaling - she is noticing some things too, including a new journal who needs to start exploring some vast and exciting messages. Rooting in and speaking to myself, hearing myself, knowing what I need from myself and how to receive it. I surround myself with people who recognize the space I need and encourage me to connect with these things. I do see things around me to remind me that I am not alone, that I held. 

I hear whispers from my soul and she smiles from beneath the dark to let me know I have to trust what is being unfolded. I have fear and angst, then I lean in and continue to rely on these whispers when I cannot find the light. I know this journey is for her and I know she hasn’t completed the course just yet but she has not stopped being curious about the possibilities either, and for that I am eager to see how far she can move these mountains.