Gathering My Pieces
Where have they all gone? How will I find them again? What will I use to repair all those broken pieces? I don’t have the answers to any of these questions just yet. I just keep breathing, trusting, allowing and knowing that I am still walking the path — and the journey is not complete. I’m not sure where this journey is leading me or what I am meant to learn along the way but I trust that I am held with each step I take. All of my pieces changed and altered after cancer. None of them really feel the same for me now, this is so hard to articulate to others sometimes.
I struggle to see “myself,” the reflection looking back at me isn’t the same anymore. The photos I see of myself from just 6 months ago appear so different to me now. Not just the physical parts of myself, the soul of this being has shifted so many times throughout this journey and when I look back at her, I am able to see how she has grown, outgrown, or shifted like a tree that grows differently after a devastating storm. Still rooted where I am planted but now I am working endlessly to rebuild my branches and reach them as far as I can.
Throughout this journey I have had images of myself army crawling on my belly through the thick black mud back to where I once was; then upon “arriving” I cannot figure out where I’m at…nothing looks the same. Another image I’ve had, is a butterfly coming out of a cocoon but the wings are sticky and still folded and she’s unable to fly. She is trying but struggling to find her way. Both of these images serve as a reminder of my growth and changes — and even though both have caused me frustration and fear, I can welcome them because they are speaking to me about my journey, passed, present and future. I am willing to trust this process and welcome the teachings I am meant to learn from them. Saying this, means I have to be open to painful and unpleasant experiences too…the suffering, so that I may also know the gifts they bring with them (the seeds, if you will!).
This journey feels exhausting, rewarding, painful, joyful, inspiring and so so much more at times; however, it’s also created with perfection in mind. Not that, what I always feel is perfection, but perfection for what I am supposed to learn along the way. Sometimes I hate that these things surface in my thoughts and writings because I often fear what might present itself after I write these things! Also, I deeply believe them and rely on these perspectives to guide me throughout my life.
I am still working on gathering my pieces. So many of them are too broken to put back in place so I will set them aside for now. Others have been reshaped in ways that feel unexplainable. I continue to sit deeply with all of these lessons and teachings, knowing they offer me an opportunity to dig deeper and arrive exactly where I am meant to be.
May we all find the path on our journey that allows us to spread our wings and fly to the places that offer us inspiration and growth!