Crushing Leaves
Stay hidden and don’t come out. Remain in the places where you’ll never be seen… remain in those places so then it won’t hurt. You’ve worked so hard to hide from all these feelings so just remain in those places where you’ll never be seen.
I’ve worked diligently to remain in control of whatever I “thought” I had control over. I was also adamant about not letting go of who I thought I was supposed to be. Then she fell so hard and had no idea how to pick herself back up, the stillness of her breath beneath the weight of her pain left her lifeless. So there she remained for 2.5 months, and as the air outside became cold, she stayed still and silent, like a dead leaf unable to move but so fragile that one swift breeze could cause it to fall.
As October became November and we seamlessly sailed into December, I remember, while at an appointment, it was mentioned that Christmas was in two weeks!! I nearly stopped breathing for a moment, it never dawned on me that Christmas was in just two weeks. I left her office realizing how far gone I had been for months and it woke me up and got me in motion - like a cold shower hitting my bones, I had no time to waste.
My body has been free from chemo for a year and now I am headed back to the chair and the flood of feelings and emotions begin to fill my mind and my bones. This time I remain intentional about advocating for myself, knowing what the plan is and speaking up on my behalf, especially when I question things or feel that something is off. This time I speak up for myself, the patient, as if I am her mother and I will to defend her as if she were my child. I was so stuck in my own shit last year and not able to understand the severe impact the chemo had had on my brain and my emotions…or maybe I did know but I didn’t articulate it to myself the way I needed to hear it. Either way, I have an awareness this time around and I will speak up and defend myself and my needs differently and without hesitation. I am feeling the emotions of the upcoming week and the treatments. I am hopeful and I have a very different outlook this time around. _/_
