Defending The Broken Body.

I never wanted to give her permission to change into anything other than what I could see for her. I only wanted to her resemble what I viewed as permissible. I only wanted her to fit into the clothes I thought were supposed to fit her, I wanted my reflection to look like someone else. 

That was before. Before I listened to her and understood her. Before I allowed her to take up space and be seen. It was before I actually looked at her with compassion and understanding, before she was allowed to be her. I begged her to look different, to walk different, to sound different, to act different from who she really was. Now I love her.      I appreciate how she thinks, I admire how she continues to seek new ways to calm and soothe herself, to care for herself, I work hard to continue these practices — I also know their impact or the impact of not doing them. I had no choice in some of the changes that have occurred to her. 

She shits from her stomach….(never saw that coming). So many changes that come with having this bag but also so does the opportunity to live. My clothes fit different, laying on my stomach is different, doing yoga feels different, intimacy feels different. She is working hard to meet every challenge with grace and compassion towards herself and her situation. She will continue to defend the body she is in because now she can see how far she has come, how this distance is not given to everyone because the length of our journey is not guaranteed. I want to fill this one with as much gusto and life as I can. 

So if I had not been able to remove my self-image/ego from this station I would really be struggling. I had to search deeply for my “self” and for how I was going to hold her during this experience. What would I say to her? How would I respond to her terrible comments, thoughts and feelings about herself? I had no idea, but I knew in my core that if I allowed her to speak with unkind words, if I kept pushing her down; she would not survive any of this, she would die inside and never again breathe at surface.

To say this was an internal fight is somewhat/(a lot) true because I am both the negative and positive voice…I am in control of both, so it was up to me either way. I made my choice right away. I knew how cruel and nasty I was able to be to myself so I decided the mean girl was not invited to this party, she needed to just leave. Each time I hear the doubt and dread, the small, innocuous comments, the belittling and shaming, I quickly jumped to her rescue and speak up against that shit. There is no room for me to make myself small or shamed. I just can’t and won’t anymore. If I shamed her while all the parts worked, how could I defend her when she was broken?