What Keeps You Rooted?

On the day I was diagnosed, I developed this image in my mind of these deep roots that kept me tethered to the earth and the grounded. I needed them to be strong and deep. Not all the same but defiantly connected to me and my needs. I have said before that the loss of control was endless and my fear of losing more became magnified and felt overwhelming for me. I wanted to keep it quiet, not because of shame, but because I know how connected we all are to one another and didn’t want my clients feeling like I could not support them while I was on this journey of my own, also I didn’t want to feel the energy of others who struggled to support me where I needed to be supported.

I allowed myself the experience of feeling “my roots”; knowing that each of these people could and would show up for me in whatever way they were able to and that would be enough for me. Each person is an individual puzzle piece and they’re all connected to me in some way or another. This journey was so difficult that at times it felt like I left and went off to another world, I dissociated really well! I always knew I had to return to this world, the one where I had no control, but I would rely on my “roots” to keep me connected. 

I had roots that made me laugh and would not let me linger too long in the sadness and sorrows, I had roots that reminded me to sit and return to myself, I had roots that heard me cry over and over again but without fail they would return to the spaces I sat and would sit with me. 

I am fortunate to have this many roots. I am profoundly and deeply grateful to know this love and support in this lifetime (in any lifetime). I recognize what this means for my survival, for my ability to dive deep into the “woods", knowing that I will have someone to pull me out if I need it or at the very least, they will shout their voice from the edges until I can reach them.  This is not the reality for everyone… and for those humans, I say to you “I am shouting at the edge of the woods for you, you are not alone. Please hear my voice”.

My story and these experiences are likely to be similar to other people’s experiences and stories. Perhaps the way I articulate mine is unique but I believe that whether you are dealing with a cancer or another medical diagnosis or something life changing like a divorce, loss of identity or control in some capacity or another…you can ultimately relate to these feelings. I also believe, that because my world is so visual and I relate well to this type of thought process, I am able to understand and interpret them to/for myself better. I am working to understand the propensities of what “guides” me and how to be better attuned to them. I am trying to understand this journey and how it has pushed me to my other chapters not yet written.  I am aware that it’s also because of my roots, I am able to remain balanced, grounded and can find the space to continue growing.

I am so appreciative of these Roots. _/\_