How She Speaks to You Matters
I think about my body previous to cancer and I wonder if she knows how much she was appreciated. I know I had told her this, in more recent times, but I also know I spent most of our time together shaming her and making her feel insignificant and unacceptable. I made sure she felt like hiding and covering up rather than being seen and allowing her to feel loved. I told her about her arms and how they were too big and thick, I shouted at her about the rolls on her stomach, her sides and back. I studied every disgusting part of this woman — just so I could tell her all the shit I had found and how awful she looked. I kept her small but made sure she felt the consequences of her appearance.
When I recognized and acknowledged… “OUT-LOUD”, how suffocating and debilitating that was, I knew she needed more from me and I had to make a different choice. I began to explore something I had been telling my clients about for years; speak kindly to yourself, listen and hear yourself speaking the words you are telling yourself, how would this sound if it was coming from your friend or partner, how would you function in that relationship? Its important for our core-being to be kind with the person who carries us through this journey, and yet I wasn’t doing that for myself! I began holding space for her, telling her she was valid, she was seen. I made sure she heard me say things like “look how great you’re doing”, I’m proud of you for showing up today”, “Thank you for being kind”, “You keep working hard for yourself and that feels good”. I began taking the time to say other loving things to myself and as it turned out she really liked that. I started to see myself from a different perspective and I felt so much compassion and empathy for her and what she had been through. I recognized all the challenges she had been through, while continuing the work to get to where she is right now. I allowed her to know how much I appreciated her hanging on and not giving up.
I think about how I began that practice and why. I think about the timeline of all this and all the events that have unfolded since that time and I will tell you, as I have been reminded, nothing is a coincidence. I believe a part of me was preparing myself for a new journey and a new chapter. I began a home practice of yoga, mindfulness, meditation and journaling right after Thanksgiving of 2019. I was really getting the hang of these practices by March 2020 when the world shut down; I was very grateful that I had started this, it has definitely carried me though every part of my life since.
Much to my surprise I’ve continued this practice over the last few years. At different times some or all of them have suffered and I work hard to never shame her about it, I just say something like “you know what’s good for you and the differences you feel when you’re practicing them, you will get back to it when you’re able to get there”. I have found that for me, the shaming made me not what to show up, I did not want to face that mean ass bitch who was waiting for me, wanting to tell how I had messed up again and was never going to be happy. Instead, I wanted a kind and gentle human who understood how desperately I wanted… no,I needed to be welcomed and loved no matter what my struggle.
I don’t know why this voice has appeared to me so loudly but I welcome her. She has given me the space I so desperately needed in order to breathe more deeply. Now when she speaks, I eagerly listen because I can trust that she is going to offer me the compassion I deserve, rather than the mistakes I’d made.