What Holds Me
Who or what carries you through the places you go? Who consoles you when you’re alone? Why don’t we learn how to be our own companion? Or have we just forgotten how to do this for ourselves — and if we learn this in one lifetime will we remember it to the next? I stand still in the tunnel of fury around me, I ground my feet and allow my toes to dig deeper and deeper until they grasp so tightly that I know I am rooted. Then I let go because I know that holding and clinging are also causes for loss and fury. I allow myself to be led to the places I know I must go. No matter the journey, no matter the terrain or the storms, I know I will be guided and protected, I will learn the lessons that are there for my teachings and will honor, trust and allow — while leaning into them to best of my ability… I will trust that whatever is before me, is there in perfect timing for whatever I am to learn.
I don’t want this to be hard and painful, knowing that suffering is part of our journey makes this overwhelming at times. Where is the woman who felt so much strength and bravery, I want her back but I cannot find her! It feels like she knows she will be here at some point but right now she is stuck and unable to arrive anywhere that feels safe, welcoming or balanced. My Buddhist priest once told me to allow myself to “notice” each moment but don’t hold onto it or cling to these feelings and experiences — just notice! These Buddhist teachings weave like tiny threads into each life experience and are part of every delicate rhythm within life's moments for me. I am profoundly fortunate to have discovered this for myself and to be surrounded by a Sangha (temple community) so dedicated to the Dharma while demonstrating love, kindness, and compassion — this Temple is a microcosm of what the whole world could REALLY look and feel like!
I interpret my experience with Buddhism like walking through a portal… once you see what’s inside, you can’t unsee it and then you just want to keep going further. It allows everything to feel much more interwoven, connected and so beautiful to witness. I am grateful to know and experience all of this. It’s the most profound experience I’ve ever had with a religion, faith, place of worship or a belief system.
This practice offers me solitude in the tunnel of fury. This is what holds me through all the storms I’ve stood in and provides me with a place to land with each breath in and each breath out. This practice carries me, consoles me and teaches me to be my own best companion through each moment. May we all be held in the moments that meet us with fury, may we all know how to be kind to ourselves in the moments that meet us with unexpected turns!