Me and My Knowing
“You will definitely need surgery and will defiantly have a colostomy bag for at least 3 months, and IF we can repair everything we will reattach it after you have healed”. Hearing these words penetrated my bones like nothing I had experienced before. I began to pass out and felt nauseous at these words, I felt my entire body go numb and my vision was blurry….I was going down. My husband grabbed my arm and held onto me, telling the doctor this is “her normal reaction to overwhelming things!” He wasn’t wrong, but I knew I was headed into a non reversal surgery…..I could feel it in my bones. I had no control-AGAIN, and this time by entire body system was going to change and I was again, going to loose more control. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
I began searching the internet for people with colostomy bags, how do they live? What do they wear? Are they all old? How are they limited? I thought I was searching for an old man or people with a certain “colostomy look” about them! I’m glad I looked into it more. I found people who live like me, people who do yoga, hike, swim, paddle board, surf (I don’t even do some of those things so maybe I would become more active hahah). From the beginning of diagnosis I knew that having a “shit-bag” was possible but sometimes until the thing is in front of me, I pretend it doesn’t exist.
Days before talking with the doctor, I remember feeling the words “surrender and accept” penetrate my bones and my core. I knew in that moment there was more I would be sitting with. I often struggle with these experiences because it's in those moments that I am reminded something bigger than myself is in control and telling me to lean in and let go. During chemo I began to call this my “Knowing" because she is the one I hear whispers from, the one who reminds me this journey is about so much more than I could have imagined. She is the one I hear when I am clinging to whatever holds me from entering a space I need to enter. She became incredibly loud throughout this journey. Somehow, after hearing “surrender and accept” I was able to relax and lean into the idea that I was about to have a colostomy bag; a new type of living life 101. I have a deep trust with this Knowing of mine and I believed her when she told me I was going to be ok, she actually made me feel as though I would be better than ok!
My Buddhist practice teaches the importance of sitting with all of my things — and this last year and half has allowed me to practice many new things. I have been given so many opportunities to sink into these experiences and practices and I will say that I am grateful for all of them. They have all been stepping stones to where I’m headed. Adjusting to my new life has been an interesting adventure. Sometimes I grieve for who I lost in that mess of a year and half; and sometimes I am able to look at her with such a kindness and a deep appreciation for allowing me to be here right now and in the way that I am.
I hope that I may honor her in the best way I know — by living fully in each moment and continuously creating adventures she dreams of, memories to be shared with others and moments to hold onto forever.