Unlocking Myself

Where have I been? I feel I have disappeared from the spaces of myself, the ones where I reside, the ones that comfort me, the ones that hold me while I remain lost to the rest of the world. I’ve even disappeared from myself; I couldn’t reach her with anything.

I believe I’v hidden from myself in the places I can’t be found, that maybe I haven’t wanted to be found so I stayed away from the places where I know I can be seen. I have had so many pain episodes since February that I remained in bed — unable to move and sliding down my own steep hill of shit. I haven’t wanted to write at all, even in my journals. I haven’t wanted to make artwork so everything has been sitting still and going nowhere this whole time. It frustrates me and angers me — this is my space of release and connection, the one of expression and outlet but yet I haven’t attempted to thrust myself into these things for months!? I also need to say that days of pain on end haven’t really allowed me to function in the same way — or at all really!!

Well heres the deal; I thought I would not survive those months. I truly believed that I would die before the summer. However, I am here right now and I’m aware that at anytime things could change very rapidly for me. I know the fragility of my situation and I’m doing everything in my power to continue having better moments. I am able to sit outside and water my garden and a few months ago that was not at all possible so I am so grateful for that. I can walk and move more than I could before, that’s a blessing that I didn’t have previously. So there are so many beautiful things for me to be grateful for… and I am so grateful. I am working hard to find myself in the places where I am able to be and to appreciate the tiniest moments I am given. I plan to be present and fill each of these spaces with love and gratitude. I am hoping to be given many moments with those I love and those around me. I will treasure each of those moments like a beautiful gift.