Remembering To Breathe

In all the spaces that I have occupied, in all the versions of myself that I have lived through and during vast moments of time which have molded and shaped me into the being I am now, I hold endless gratitude and a profound sense of appreciation for each and every one of the versions I’ve been; because they remind me of my growth, my propensity for finding my way through my dark spaces and also of my commitment to remain patient with my process. I am in a constant state of unknowing and while this can cause a deep sense of anxiety it can also be beneficial to remember that all the other lost versions of myself also experienced many states of unknowing at one point or another and all of them led me to where I am now! I can also remind myself that all of them felt a deep sense of anguish during one time or another and continued to push through their challenges. 

I’ve had moments of beating myself up about the things I could have or should have done differently then I look at where those moments have ultimately placed me. Even the toughest moments have allowed me to know things about myself I had never imagined and they have all contributed to who I am today. I have always pushed my way from the places that have attempted to break me or silence me. Each time that I feel a suffocating or agonizing stretch of life…I push and press through to another side of myself that I wasn’t aware was even there! I’m not sure if I get so pissed and uncomfortable that just decide to explode or what, but I have come to depend on that part of myself in all these moments and now is no different. 

This journey has pressed me into those spaces once again and I’m struggling to breathe enough air to continue. I sometimes have a hard time allowing myself the permission to dream of such a magnificent thing as health and healing, so I then begin to press myself further into the spaces I’m wanting so badly to escape. It’s a vicious cycle of pushing and pressing, longing for and dreaming of… and while I struggle to give myself this permission, there are so many opportunities I am missing out on, so many moments that have been forever lost because I remain stuck in my own locked mind-trap. The weight of my emotional self has been heavy, she hasn’t been as agile and quick as she once was and sometimes even something as light as a feather can feel like being under a boulder - and when that weight is on you it can be easy to just rest under it hoping someone removes it. I have to remember to breathe and move, to dream, hope and remain honest with myself about what I ACTUALLY want and what I’m willing to do to achieve it. I am here. I am breathing. I am working.