Aiming For My Moments
These moments of absolute in-between, these moments when I struggle to move forward or to stand still. I’m sure within all my teachings and all my learnings there are mass amounts of perfectly explained ways to move through the discomfort and the, sometimes, overwhelming sense of all the feelings I’m feeling. I get angry. I feel feelings that I had not ever known before my cancer diagnosis. I want to believe that I have all the permission in the world to achieve all the things I want to achieve, then I search my brain and my being for all the plans and all the dreams that I’m aiming for……I cannot find them! I don’t recall what they once were. I’m no longer sure the ones I once held so close to me will ever matter the same anymore, so now where I aiming??? I want to create these incredible spaces within me, I want to see goals and dreams that I can mold, shape and create with all the possibilities that I believe are still possible. I want to feel myself moving towards places that show me my own sense of magical possibilities.
Being in a cancer body is a struggle from the depths of my core and also… there have been many insightful tools and many moments of unexpected gratitude and possibility. I am proud that when the bloodwork results comes back I typically hear good reports. I am grateful for doctors that hear me when I say I’ve had too much or something feels off. I surround myself with voices that provide me with the words I need to hear, even when I dislike hearing them. And yet this impossible task of moving forward seems so unachievable.
I don’t want to wait until things are “better” or “in the clear”, because there will always be road blocks or impossibilities; I need to create places for me to aim so I know what to work towards, a place that can be achieved from the confines of my situation or possibly something that can be created due to the situation. I believe we all have some type of opportunity in these spaces and now I need to find mine. Now I need to connect with mine in ways that allows me to speak, connect, create, soothe, recognize and heal. I believe I have many places that offer the space I’m looking for and there is no time like the present to begin looking, searching and discovering. I am absolutely determined to achieve and arrive at the places that are meant and waiting for me.
