My Guiding Spaces

I think about different moments in this body, different spaces in time when my body felt so different than it does today and the ways I related to her, spoke to her and gave her ultimatums, rules and judgments. In the past I would attempt to define what the rules were and how I felt she should behave, what she should feel like or how she should look for others…..can you believe that?? I had the audacity to believe she was “required" to look a certain way for others….knowing full well what her struggles were, knowing how hard she was working just to stay afloat — even though she often felt like she was absolutely drowning through all of her moments. 

The other day as I sat on a bench, struggling to walk through the store, I noticed lots of different people including older people briskly walking past me, even with their heavy carts filled. I was happy to see them with their mobility and their ability to move so quickly at whatever age they were in. Then I noticed a part of me that felt a tiny spec of sadness for the body that I was in just a few months ago when I moved so differently climbing through Sedona, or the body I had over the summer when I was doing yoga often and had no chemo schedule. Or maybe the one I had before I was diagnosed…she might have been the strongest most physically fit one yet. All of these different parts of myself have been guiding to me to be exactly where I’m at right now. 

I am finding a deep appreciation for all those moments of myself, even when I saw these parts as ugly, unwanted or unacceptable  — they still hold so much value and possibly even more so because they endured the pain and suffering of my being in other ways. In the ways that prevented me from seeing my own value, my own worth or the ability to accept myself for the moment I was in during those times of my past. She kept me going even when I demanded that I didn’t want to. I am proud of those parts and offer her the upmost love and respect for encouraging me to keep working towards these moments so that we can celebrate together the work we have accomplished. 

I am told that pain serves a purpose - and working through this pain and learning more about myself in the mists of this process, is most certainly a practice that allows me to redefine or reexamine what all of this represents for me. I am grateful to be in my body, to celebrate all the moments I’m given. I am grateful to a soul that allows me to find my way through moments of impossible suffering with grace, hope and determination. I’m not sure where all my understandings, perceptions or knowings come from but I find the compassion and kindness that surrounds me in these moments is also what propels me towards the path I’m meant to be on. I trust in this and I find absolute comfort in knowing I am held in this way. May we all feel a sense of love and support from the soul thats within us.