Guided Towards Growth
Do you recognize spaces of time that just completely stopped for you? These are moments you didn’t see coming and when they arrived they hit you like a ton a bricks, the thing you never knew or considered to give thought to — but somehow it found you!? It’s in these moments that we have to remain completely honest and transparent with ourselves about what we need or how we will choose to move ourselves to the places we are being pulled, pushed or thrusted. Maybe there are times we are gently tugged and coaxed… but still, we had no idea this place was here or that we would be in this place.
I have been guided towards many of these places and honestly I’m still being guided towards them. I sometimes feel things are moving fast and other times it’s all frozen in stillness.
I reach for all my tools to understand what’s before me then gently let go because holding too tightly could also be a problem. Return to your breath and sit for while. These are the things I hear constantly, I know it sounds nuts but I do and I deeply appreciate knowing that I am being guided to a place I am meant to be. I know in the depths of my soul that I am held though these dark places, the ones that hide in corners and creases beneath my surface. I know these are the places that feel the most vulnerable, the ones that scare the shit out to me and the ones where I feel my breath sitting with stillness in my body, unable to move, not knowing how to release or provide me with comfort… the breath that remains so still you forget you’re holding it.
As my breath guides me it also allows me to find the space I deserve from within myself, I recognize that it has taken me way too long to hold compassion and appreciation for a body that I’ve always shamed or blamed. I have taken some time to work on these things, although this journey has been rough and, at times, exhausting.
When I began this journey the first thing I noticed was the reflection looking back at me with a glare of disapproval and anger for what she saw. I saw all the things that filled me with shame and frustration. This time however, I heard something I had not known before and this time I understood what she was saying to me. She scolded me for speaking to myself with shame and blame. She disapproved of the resentment I had towards myself. She also helped me understand that it was with love and kindness that I would pull myself from the these dark places, the ones that hid in corners and creases beneath my surfaces. She told me that the shame and blame prevented me from feeling seen, heard, validated or worthy. That was the day I began to routinely speak with kindness to myself. I hold myself accountable. I work hard to seek out the things that are best for me, the things that calm my soul and soothe my being, the things that allow me to recognize the self that I once worked so hard to suppress and keep small. I believe she would have died emotionally if I continued to speak to her this way.