Knowing and Allowing

The feeling of driving through a new neighborhood and turning into a dead end with every turn; you know there is an out but for some reason you keep missing it! I’m in that neighborhood right now and I’m struggling to see the main street where I feel calm and I know my way out. I’m certain there are many teachings within these experiences. Each moment I breathe in and out is a new experience - maybe that’s the one I work with right now?!!! .

I will get there, but for right now I remain still and I listen to whatever is being said from within. I pause. I sit. I connect. I let go. I breathe. I write. I hear the things that are meant to guide me and I am trusting them. I cannot ignore this feeling because it makes me dizzy, nauseas and I feel so unbelievably heavy in my body. I’ve lost 8lbs in 5 days and struggling to drink water, but really working hard on all the things, I meander from one spot to another, usually from bed to the back patio, then spend a little time on the couch at night. My body and mind can relax with Kurt home, I know it’s so much for him to carry. He is my home and my nest, he calms me and just allows me to express my things in whatever wild and weird way I need. 

I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am speaking with my Knowing asking for her guidance, support, peace of mind and the ability to remain still…so I may know! I am trying to find my balance but it feels like I’ve been spinning around in circles and I can’t quite get my bearings. So I sit and sit because it allows me to remain in a space where I can both let go of the things that hold me and also absorb all the things that are meant for me. I will stop clinging to what I cannot control and I will practice making mindful efforts in each moment to be with myself and allow myself what I need. This work is so difficult and exhausting and also, worth the difficulties and exhaustion because of the experience from within. Yes, of course I also shiver and cry, use my sweater as a tissue, and I take moments to loose my balance and slither around in my snot and tears, then I listen and make choices that I am able to make in that moment, I even shower sometimes.

I’m NOT writing myself off, no matter what information the doctors tell me, I am changing the foods I eat, I am going to remain mindful and connected…Rooted, if I may!! LOL. I know they have tests and results and I know they have treatments and medicine but they don’t have my fire and spirit, only I do (it’s my own secret sauce), so I’m allowing myself to uproot here and there and come unhinged but then I have to return back to the spaces that calm me, sooth me, and connect me to my center. I am returning to this space and I will continue to plant my seeds and tend to my garden so that I have something to care for that is bigger than myself.