Thanking Her
This morning I danced with myself to one of my favorite songs by Natalie Merchant, Kind & Generous (Thank You), I love this song. In this song she sings about all the kindness and generosity she feels, all the selflessness and the admiration and how she is so thankful to the person she is singing to. I began signing this to my body last year when she was struggling with the medication put into her, all the pokes and pulls, the endless hands that so hastily grabbed her without knowing anything about her. I sang this to her to remind her of the profound gratitude I had for her in these moments and every moment leading up to that one. She continued to withstand all of these treatments and held me while I entered the chemo chair each time, and then again before surgery — and even now as I begin to learn of my new adventures with her she will continue to carry me to wherever I go. Absorbing these words to let her know my continuous gratitude “You’ve been so kind and generous, I don’t know how you keep on giving. For your kindness, I am in debt to you and I never could have come this far without you. For everything you’ve done..You know I’m bound to you, thank you for it”.
As I danced this morning I held her tightly, swaying back and forth, signing to her, holding her and letting her know that she has been through so much but whatever she can withstand; I will meet her in the places she needs to go in order to be well. She feels overwhelmed, utterly shocked, her head has pounded for so many days it nearly feels like a drum keeping a beat. I am going to continue to hold her and soothe her as best I can throughout the next part of her journey. I am hoping that she is able to find healing, calm and the spaces that grant her permission to be expressive, curious and creative. She is working hard to maintain calm while gathering the courage and determination needed to slay this dragon and be well.
I offer her a hug and a deep bow for giving me a wild ride to 50!! She has been on adventures and thrills, she’s kept secrets, she’s been wild and crazy, watched loved ones leave the world and other loved ones arrive, she’s even brought a few beings into the world, and lovingly held a few that couldn’t quite make it here. She has allowed me to move through yoga poses, I once imagined would have broken her. She has taken me to Temple where I found my center and she arrives on her cushion and waits for me to breathe in and out… allowing and knowing (or not knowing_/\_).
I can now say that I am grateful for this vessel that has so lovingly carried me to and from, and dealt with the endless abuses she has had to endure on my account; many of which might have caused another vessel to quit long before this. Now, I will continue to plant the seeds of healing in all forms and facets so that she can have the best options for empowering herself on this journey. She will have to carry her own lantern in the darkness but she is not alone…and she will find her way.