Learning to Navigate Life…Cancer Version
Those traumatizing thoughts, feelings, experiences and memories become a distant memory in time… unless they return. I had a new blood test done to identify if there is still cancer cells in my blood and the results showed that there is, so we discuss treatment and procedures again. More visits to the hospital and the doctors office, extending the time this port will remain in my body, the experiences with chemo, surgery, or whatever is needed. Loosing the control I thought I was regaining - these are my thoughts right now.
I remember during chemo infusion last year I kept trying to figure out why I felt so emotionally weak and not like myself (obviously the treatment and diagnosis) but more than that! I remember one day while I was sitting on the couch listening to the clock tic-tocking for hours and, I said out loud to myself, “I can’t find the internal strength I normally have, the fighter in me feels gone and I feel lonely without her”, then I heard my “Knowing” say “this lesson is for “Her”, the part of you that has never used her voice, the part of you that hides and isn’t willing to speak up, “She” left because this lesson is for Her”. Well, I won’t lie, that seemed messed up but also felt like it made total sense to me. So I’ve come to understand these perspectives and I have allowed them the space they need to be what they are meant to be. My Knowing is my higher power and the one who lets me know if things are ok or not. The “She” is the part of me that has always been in control, the one who has navigated my life situations and prevented me from losing control. The “Her” is the part of myself that stood behind the She and waited for things to be fixed, resolved or workable. This journey is for her to grow and to unfold her wings. Now this part of the journey would come with new lessons — but all for Her. I hated this but also trusted my Knowing and believed I would be held throughout this journey.
Not too long ago, on my cushion I heard my Knowing say to me “things will get hard and will be bumpy, but trust that you are held” Then I had my 6 month scans and quickly began to understand why I heard this. I must not have learned all there was to learn the first time — so I will work really hard to pay attention this time, hopefully, I am able to understand without so much clinging. As I spun out of control I felt so held from those around me, so supported and loved; now one month later, the bloodwork has confirmed that cancer still takes up space in my body. (Sorry, cancer but you can Fuck off… I am in charge of my being NOT you!). I cannot imagine what this journey will teach me but I will consistently ground myself and use all the tools at my disposal to take charge of what is rightfully mine. I will not waste time or energy. I will create the spaces that I want to exist in and I will work hard to make positive impacts so that others may also feel this fire to light their own darkness. That is my hope anyway!