Permission to Feel Your Feelings Loudly
I do feel my feelings loudly, I express myself and my needs, I have a need to communicate myself more clearly after cancer. Cancer backed me into a corner and screamed at me, told me things I never thought I would hear about myself, caused me to behave in ways I never imagined to be me… I never imaged I would have cancer either!
The salty tears falling onto my face from my leaky eyes, the lesion-like feeling in my throat after screaming and yelling at the top of my lungs — with frustration and lack of control, the stinging and pounding sensation my head felt after all these moments had cleared and I could be calm… mostly from pure exhaustion and defeat. All of these things grabbed ahold of me and pulled me back and forth for months on end. It was as if I had taken some bad drugs and couldn’t get them out of my body (chemo was my drug of not-choosing).
I clearly remember my physical body not knowing what to do with all that was happening and before I knew it one day, I was pounding on my steering wheel, screaming in my car, cussing more than I thought possible (which is profound if you know me) and hearing things come out of my mouth that sounded like the voice of a stranger. As a clinician, I understand this is trauma however, as a cancer patient I thought I was just angry with the loss of control and the rollercoaster ride I was on with treatments and being touched over and over again; now I can see how she was suffering in so many other ways.
I continue to work on how to verbalize my needs and set my boundaries — and this has changed so significantly over the last year and half. I see pictures of myself from last year and I see someone I once was, someone who no longer exists the same way she used to. I continue to work really hard on knowing myself and meeting myself in the places I need to show up in. I struggle with so many things that were never concerns for me previously and some things that I thought needed my attention are no longer things I think about. It feels so scary to acknowledge these things about myself, to share these perspective and allow myself to be so vulnerable — like standing naked in front of strangers scary!!! I know I’m not alone in these thoughts, feelings and experiences. I know this isn’t unusual or out of the norm for what I’ve been through, but not recognizing the person I am and having to relearn who I am from this point forward is also a challenge. I will not squander or waste this opportunity I have been given. I will hear what she needs and speak it for her. And when I speak for her I will be sure to speak as loudly as needed. I will continue to honor what offers her support, guidance and growth. I’ve traveled with her to all the places she’s gone so far and I will continue to travel by her side to wherever she goes, so I have to know how to best support her, love her and be what she needs so she can create the next chapter of her journey with kindness and compassion. She is searching for a community where she is heard - and where others need to be heard. She is with me and I am grateful and honored to explore this journey with her, hoping to create so many new adventures along the way.