Moments of Wholeness

I feel so far from the moments that used to connect me, fill me and realign me back to center. My center is elsewhere currently, I’m pressing myself into the moments that I’m in with gratitude to compassion for what I have witnessed. For what I have been able to overcome and see my way through, because I know with absolute certainty I have been given so many immeasurable circumstances that have been filled with blessings from beyond the places of my imagination. My family and I have been cradled in warmth and love from beyond my wildest comprehension — and we continue to find these blessings and moments that offer us deep love. 

As a mom I struggle to feel like I am meeting the needs of my family, my home and myself; so I tap into what I have available and offer it to the best of my ability. I am present in moments that might feel small or insignificant because they aren’t that at all -  but rather they are the breaths that lead me to a wholeness that surrounds me in moments of struggle, defeat and overwhelming ache. I miss out on other moments and I also remember a time when I complained about “having” to participate in these things; now I dream about those spaces, wishing for the opportunity to be in those places, feeling such discomfort. 

I am home each day and struggle with not participating in the world outside but I am able to write, paint, create, dream, heal and hold space for myself in the ways that feel good to me and my soul. Isolation and depletion of movement continues to be a struggle so I sit here thinking through my tools, trying to figure out which ones to use. I dabble in all of them from time to time  and sometimes I am really consistent with but others I am left depleted and feel like I’m fading away. 

Overall I am working hard to find my center, to keep her floating on the surface and to trust she has all she needs for the journey she is on. I believe in myself. I believe deeply in the chapters I feel are ahead of me. I believe in my faith and my practice of sitting with all that’s within me and all that surrounds me. I find it challenging to remain in the spaces where I no longer feel I fit but conflicted about leaving them at the same time. I dream of watching my people for years to come and seeing what they create with all of their ambitions, their tools and with all the moments that life offers them. I dream of remaining tangled, held and cradled between the arms and legs of my best friend while we slowly age into other chapters together as one. 

I’m present, I’m breathing, I’m fortunate to be living this story and I’m filled with gratitude for all I have been able to overcome, for all I have lived through and certainly for the way I am able to return to myself when all seems lost or depleted. I am grateful for a practice that pushes me beyond discomfort and into the thresholds of what is waiting for me - and does this with patience, compassion and grace. I am held. I will continue to keep moving. I will not waste a single breath that I am given. I am filled with gratitude. _/\_