Remaining In Stillness
The in-between is a place I’ve frequented throughout this cancer journey and sometimes it feels as if there are so many places of the in-between that I’ve somehow not experienced. The in-between is a place that feels mostly like being suspended in air while watching the world move around you; unable to move forward yet seeing the past as if it were an old photo or painting that you once existed in before this moment - and now it seems farther in the distant than you remember and you no longer feel yourself in that image.
There is not one aspect of my life that hasn’t changed or been altered as a result of this cancer journey. Relationships have shifted, transformed and presented themselves with many layers, as they often do during these tender moments Speaking truths, that hold uncomfortable realities, often turn into painful concepts with unbearable consequences. If the process of addressing our growth felt rewarding, safe, comfortable or empowering maybe this process would be met with more excitement and anticipation for healing those unhealed versions of ourselves.
This entire journey has robbed me of many beautiful things I once valued and held so dear, but the gifts it has offered me and provided me with are even more magnificent because they offer me no room to believe anything other than how profoundly beautiful our lives are, especially in moments of despair and pain. In the moments when I feel an absolute sense of despair, grief, loss, pain or anything that offers suffering, it pushes me further into the in-between while reminding me of my fragility and an uprising of all my conflictive losses. My conflicting losses present themselves in ways that remind me of how speaking my needs and expressing my boundaries cause me to feel isolated and separate. Being in the in-between, leaning into these moments in the ways I’ve needed to has caused many opinions from others; others whom I love dearly and have the upmost love and respect for — and others who I had hoped could reach the places where love and compassion can exist without the barriers created from pain.
I know that growth is painful, it can be dismantling and feels conflicting at times. I know that during my moments of pain I have said and done many things that have been hurtful to others or to our relationships but what about the norms that we allow to be the norms…even when they are wrong (especially when they are wrong)? When refusing to honor our voices we cause pieces of ourselves to suffocate until we finally stop breathing. Its strange how long you can feel like you’re suffocating without even knowing that you’ve stopped breathing. Being in this body right now has its challenges and there are many times I want to escape or walk away from the physical, mental or emotional pain I’m in; that’s not an option. I recognize that during this process my voice and my ideals have offended or hurt many people I love and hold dearly; and while my intention is never to come from a place of being hurtful or mean, it was also coming from a place where I had to begin breathing before I suffocated. I don’t have the capacity to continue sitting in silence while people are deliberately being hurtful to others (feel free to feel what you feel about this). We are here for a moment in time, spend this time becoming the version of yourself you treasure the most. In many ways the pain that’s rooted deeply within us has been passed from the in-between places that others have suffered through to get to where they’re at.
