Throwing Ropes
Where am I???? I feel like I’m standing in the same place but nothing feels familiar, nothing is as I remember it, just gone and nowhere to be found. Now I’m left with rebuilding and recreating, only this time I’m at a loss for where to begin because I’m not sure what I’m supposed to rebuild. What is it that feels like the space I need from myself… for myself… or what peices do I allow to fall like shedding skin that no longer fits the being you once knew as your own reflection? All that I previously had feels so separate from where I am now and where I believe I need to be. Rebuilding — that feels daunting, boundless and beautiful.
I have a great foundation, I know this for certain! I have so many supports that root themselves deeply around all that is needed to be held and supported. It’s so strange to be midway though your journey and suddenly feel a pull to arrive somewhere else, a place you thought you needed to be and now it feels like a faint flicker in your mind. Terrifying encompasses some of this, as well as, moments of excitement and joy… but right now terrifying is taking up so much more space and doesn’t give me a window into the possibilities. I feel lost and unable to protect myself. I’m in a hole and no one is tossing me a rope. It’s raining and I have no shelter. All of these are present images in my mind and I find myself returning to the journals, the writing and the art — because they hold me until I can breathe again on my own. I can create and express, then move though my process. This is the release I need for myself… the rope I’m throwing, the shelter I need from this fucking storm. This is me, showing up for myself!Working hard to self sooth and allowing myself what I need.
I have said this before, but I cannot help but to say it again… we have to show up for ourselves and allow ourselves the space to know what we need. This does not feel good to me. This is not easy or pleasant work but this is the only way to the other side for me. I know if I stop showing up for myself, I will never find her — or all the dreams she’s dreamt of living. She is worth looking for. She is definitely worth finding. I will keep throwing her the ropes, no matter how many times or however long they need to be to reach her, I know she will find her way out.
As I search, I return to the pages of yesterday’s creations to find my direction and answers… as I turn each page I walk through the paths I created in those yesterdays to see how far I’ve traveled. Sometimes I’m reminded that I arrived to those destinations safely, even when I felt uncertain about it, other times I recognize a version of myself that no longer remains. I cannot see what is ahead of her, I can only stand alongside her while she waits, bringing her comfort and throwing her ropes.