The Pushing and Pressing
When I was really young I began having a reoccurring dream and over the years it would periodically nudge me into feelings of profound fear and an overwhelming sense of vulnerability; feelings that I’d not yet experienced in life. I’ve always felt as if that dream represented something that I was meant to understand, learn or experience. In this dream I appear to be observing my energetic or spirit-self as I am pushed, pulled, shoved, squeezed and molded into something other than what I previously was. I would best describe this as watching myself become pressed between two big steel rollers to flatten me, then just as I start to come out on the other side I’m rolled back through the other direction, like wringing water out of an old rag. This continues to happen over and over again throughout the dream and I experience this dream for what seems like years when I was younger. My thoughts have returned to the memory of this periodically over the years - and certainly with many life experiences I can recognize the feelings of being pressed and shoved into uncomfortable spaces.
My cancer journey can feel like those dreams sometimes because I feel like I’m watching my energetic self move through these spaces in ways that I remember watching in my dreams. The experiences feels like my spiritual, mental, emotional and physical-self enduring the most momentous shift from both within and all around. Sometimes it feels like a challenge to continue getting back up just to squeeze through yet another terrifying space. The spaces feel like a hinderance to my being and they will become increasingly exhausting unless I allow myself to feel held by the love of others.
I have spent a great deal of time throughout this journey practicing things…practicing living longer, practicing how to heal, practicing how to get rid of the tumors; and now I need to practice more within these tiny, squeezing places because they offer me opportunity, community, connection, support and endless love. Throughout this journey I have experienced feelings of suffering and the reshaping of all my parts: my energetic self, my physical self, my emotional self and my spiritual self — and I will continue working towards the self she hoped to be, planned to be and definitely believes she will be.
I want to embrace the practice of dying by leaning into life because this is the absolute truth of every living thing….birth and death are the only two guarantees regardless of religion, race, belief system, status or anything else. I know I have so many edges that are tattered and torn from this journey. I know I have not been able to embrace all the things as well as I’d like or as well as I “believe” I have. I sometimes feel like I’m sitting here waiting for someone to tell me I have the permission to live…how ridiculous is that? I am breathing, I am planning and dreaming about the things I’ve created in my mind and sometimes the process of dying takes up the spaces I’m trying to live in. Sometimes I feel like I have to choose between the practice of living or the practice of dying and I don’t want to miss out on either one, although I would be very pleased if the latter could be a long practice that takes me years and years to perfect, I will accomplish what I can with the time I’m given. LOL
May we each find a path towards ourselves that offers us the opportunity to practice wholeheartedly and with a willingness to embrace all that life offers us in each moment.
