Whatever-ness

I’m exhausted. Lately the feeling of isolation and repeated non-living, non-moving and the sedentary companion I’ve become for myself has tired me. My body, soul and spirit have all just reclined into a space of “whatever-ness” and every morning I wake up, minimally excited to get started with my day, then quickly find myself surrounded by the eternal and never-ending moments of just “being here”. That should be enough for someone with stage 4 cancer, right? I should be grateful for “being here” on this side of the earth…..should I not?? Truth be told, of course I am. I am profoundly grateful - and I’m also tired. 

I’m tired of not participating in the world outside my home, of not having places to go and things to do. I’m frustrated with the loss of activity, the suspension of unique and purposeful moments that leave me in anticipation for yet another day. My mind is compounded with all the feelings of loss and grief, the missed opportunities and the endless swells of memories from a time so distant from this moment. A time when our moments were choices and chaos rather than pain and procedures. I would gladly visit those long ago moments without hesitation to give this version of myself a break from the present, to remember the freedom of body, mind and soul. I would whisper to her all the things she should know before the day of diagnosis. 

I often wonder, if stepped back for a moment in time - would I retrace my same steps or find other paths!? All of our moments rest in time, just as they are and cannot be changed or rewritten, they remain as they happened but it doesn’t dismiss the longing for something more magical or pleasant? Maybe it’s just the misery of the moment I’m in that has caused me this feeling. The overwhelming swell in my body and mind and prevents me from creating the future moments I dream of visiting, the feelings that say enough is enough and the nightmare should end, the feelings that tempts me to just lay still and allow. I try to be strong and press back, not allowing them in but somehow the strength I once had has evolved and changed - or dissolved and drifted. I feel stuck in cement, unable to move, frozen and still. My screams are silent and unheard and my heart races towards moments of being free from the pressing and pushing, the holding and falling…moments I cannot seem to find. 

Outside of these challenges I remember my goals and dreams, I recall the inspirations and hopes that I once felt were right in front of me. I remember the ways I filled my soul with determination and pride, how I found so many pieces and strung them together - creating the world I’m in now. Oh, how I love all my pieces…even the slightly broken and wounded ones. I remain steady and true to whats before me as I continue to collect the remaining pieces - while I search and remember to dream of the moments not yet created.